no more sleep!

Last night and this morning, I decided that I rather have prayer and devotion than to sleep (earlier...not so much early) and review for clinicals. Lately, I've been saying a quick word of prayer and reading a few verses and then starting my day. But today, I remembered testimonies of my friends and I was reading about it in Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy (a wonderful book! All girls need to read it, forreals!), and I decided to take the time.

Well as it turns out, the Lord has blessed! This day is starting out wonderful and I know it's because I took that time to spend it with Him. I hope this experience draws deeper conviction into my heart about the importance of prayer and devotion.

I also pray that I don't waste this day, but use it to the glory of God by preparing and studying for my classes and reviewing my skills to best serve His children when I go to clinicals.

less than 24 hours.

The girls of the Ladies' Bible Study and I have decided to go on a social networking website fast for seven days! We begin tomorrow, January 21, at 9 P.M.

Craziness! Haha, okay not really. We were discussing it today after our weekly reading of The Ministry of Healing and it was quite obvious that we really need to go on this fast, especially with the beloved Facebook site.

Why are we doing this? It's not because networking sites are wrong! It's because of the way that we've been using them and how it's basically taken over our lives. I actually admitted that Facebook has become my best friend. How sad is that? When I, one who has proclaimed many times that I've decided to live for Jesus, have named Facebook as my best friend. That's when you know something is forreals wrong! When something in your life takes the place of where Jesus Christ should be, I believe that you really need to take a look at that and make the change!

So...since I won't be using MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, Army of Youth, for the next week...I may be blogging more often...or not. LOL.

BTW, History was made today! It's exciting to know that history books are being re-written at this very moment. Not so exciting for students and teachers who will have to purchase those new editions of history books...but good thing there is www.amazon.com!

out of this world.

Yay, it's Sabbath! So glad that I don't have to think about beta-blockers, adrenergic antagonists, hypertension, focused assessments, etc. today! =)

School has been...well, let's just say I'm trying to stay afloat. I haven't been stressed out or anything yet! Maybe that's because I know God will take care of me! =) But because I haven't been stressed...I haven't had that "fear" to study or anything. LOL, and I know that even though He will take care of me, I still need to strive for excellence! Pray that I stay focused!

Anyways, back to the title: "out of this world." Do you feel like you don't fit into this world? We are pilgrims just passing through and we just don't...fit into the world. Meet some people who don't fit into this world and are boldly proclaiming that they are "Misfits." Visit them here: www.gomisfits.com and gomisfits.blogspot.com

hungry.

As I was (and still am!) cleaning out my desk, I came across some letters from Finish the Work's time in the Philippines. They reminded me of the friends that we had made and I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit used us to be a blessing to them.

In the pile of notes, cards, and pictures from the Philippines, I found some letters that Mike had left in the Philippines that I had picked up. I shook my head thinking about what I would say to him when I'll give him the letters at our meeting on Sunday. I saw my note to Mike neatly folded and I wondered what I had written, but pushed it aside until I had placed the other notes in a special folder. After, I picked up the note and unfolded it. I smiled at the words I had written to him; I can almost remember writing the letter! As I came to the middle of the letter, I read a story I had written to him. I had forgotten about this story--this was a memory that stuck out the most from the time in the Philippines.

It was about the first quiz we had during our evening program at NDC Tagum City. Tina was the quiz master and she had us girls go out into the audience and watch and pick the students who raised their hands first. I remember her asking the first question and I think that this student was the first person to get the right answer. She handed him the Bible and his reaction was SO priceless--He was so excited to get a Bible, that he waved it up in the air and had the biggest smile. I remember that I looked to the rest of the team that was sitting on stage and I met Kurt's gaze and we both had the biggest smiles on our faces because of that guy's reaction. I had never seen anyone react so joyfully when receiving the Bible! I wrote to Mike regarding that experience saying, "That reaction was worth more than anything the world can give."

When we came back to the States, that memory still stuck in my head. I shared it in front of my church and just told them about how blessed I was to have experienced that. It had shown me that there were so many people that were just hungry for the Word, and just searching for the Savior.

It's only been about six months since that experience and if it weren't for cleaning up my room and finding that letter to Mike, that memory would have remained forgotten. I realize that it's because I've been so caught up in myself and my desires that I've forgotten that there are many in the world seeking for the Savior and hungry to study the Bible. I've forgotten that my purpose here on Earth is not to be what the world considers a "success" and seek for happiness in this world, but to give glory to God in all that I do and to share what He has done to all the world.

Let's keep each other accountable, friends: let's not forget our purpose. Just like the well-known song says, "People need the Lord."

"Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen." Matthew 28:19-20

love one another.

Review and Herald, June 5, 1888
EGW

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another: as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." These words are not the words of man, but the words of our Redeemer; and how important it is that we fulfill the instruction that he has given! There is nothing that can so weaken the influence of the church, as the lack of love. Christ says, "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." If we are to meet opposition from our enemies, who are represented as wolves, let us be careful that we do not manifest the same spirit among ourselves. The enemy well knows that if we do not have love one for another, he can gain his object, and wound and weaken the church, by causing differences among brethren. He can lead them to surmise evil, to speak evil, to accuse, condemn, and hate one another. In this way the cause of God is brought into dishonor, the name of Christ is reproached, and untold harm is done to the souls of men.

How careful we should be, that our words and actions are all in harmony with the sacred truth that God has committed to us! The people of the world are looking to us, to see what our faith is doing for our characters and lives. They are watching to see if it is having a sanctifying effect on our hearts, if we are becoming changed into the likeness of Christ. They are ready to discover every defect in our lives, every inconsistency in our actions. Let us give them no occasion to reproach our faith.

It is not the opposition of the world that will most endanger us; it is the evil cherished right in our midst that works our most grievous disaster. It is the unconsecrated lives of half-hearted professors that retard the work of the truth, and bring darkness upon the church of God.

There is no surer way of weakening ourselves in spiritual things, than to be envious, suspicious of one another, full of fault-finding and evil surmising. "This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace."

God would have us individually come into that position where he can bestow his love upon us. He has placed a high value upon man, and has redeemed us by the sacrifice of his only begotten Son, and we are to see in our fellow-man the purchase of the blood of Christ. If we have this love one for another, we shall be growing in love for God and the truth. We have been pained at heart to see how little love is cherished in our midst. Love is a plant of heavenly origin, and if we would have it flourish in our hearts, we must cultivate it daily. Mildness, gentleness, long suffering, not being easily provoked, bearing all things, enduring all things,--these are the fruits upon the precious tree of love.

When you are associated together, be guarded in your words. Let your conversation be of such a nature that you will have no need of repentance. "Grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption." "A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things." If the love of the truth is in your heart, you will talk of the truth. You will talk of the blessed hope that you have in Jesus. If you have love in your heart, you will seek to establish and build up your brother in the most holy faith. If a word is dropped that is detrimental to the character of your friend or brother, do not encourage this evil-speaking. It is the work of the enemy. Kindly remind the speaker that the word of God forbids that kind of conversation. We are to empty the heart of everything that defiles the soul temple, that Christ may dwell within. Our Redeemer has told us how we may reveal him to the world. If we cherish his Spirit, if we manifest his love to others, if we guard one another's interests, if we are kind, patient, forbearing, the world will have an evidence by the fruits we bear, that we are the children of God. It is the unity in the church that enables it to exert a conscious influence upon unbelievers and worldlings.

The church of Christ is spoken of as a holy temple. Says the apostle, "Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow-citizens with the saints, and of the household of God; and are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner-stone; in whom all the building fitly framed together groweth unto an holy temple in the Lord: in whom ye also are builded together for a habitation of God through the Spirit." All the followers of Christ are represented as stones in the temple of God. Every stone, large or small, must be a living stone, emitting light and fitting into the place assigned it in the building of God. How thankful we should be that a way has been opened whereby we may each have a place in the spiritual temple! Will you, my brethren and sisters, think of these things, study them, talk of them? It is just in proportion as we appreciate these things that we will become strong in the service of God, and so be enabled to comply with his requirements, and to be doers of the words of Christ.

God does not want us to place ourselves upon the judgment-seat, and judge each other. But how frequently this is done! Oh! how careful we should be lest we judge our brother. We are assured that as we judge, we shall be judged; that as we mete to others, it shall be measured to us again. Christ has said: "I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned." In view of this, let your words be of such a character that they will meet the approval of God. When we see errors in others, let us remember that we have faults graver, perhaps, in the sight of God, than the fault we condemn in our brother. Instead of publishing his defects, ask God to bless him, and to help him to overcome his error. Christ will approve of this spirit and action, and will open the way for you to speak a word of wisdom that will impart strength and help to him who is weak in the faith.

The work of building one another up in the most holy faith is a blessed work; but the work of tearing down is a work full of bitterness and sorrow. Christ identifies himself with his suffering children; for he says, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, my brethren, ye have done it unto me." If all would carry out the instruction given by Christ, what love and unity would exist among his followers! Every heart has its own sorrows and disappointments, and we should seek to lighten one another's burdens by manifesting the love of Jesus to those around us. If our conversation were upon heaven and heavenly things, evil-speaking would soon cease to have any attraction for us. We would not then be placing our feet on the enemy's dangerous ground. We would not then be entering into temptation, or falling under the power of the evil one.

Instead of finding fault with others, let us be critical with ourselves. The question with each one of us should be, Is my heart right before God? Will this course of action glorify my Father which is in heaven? If you have cherished a wrong spirit, let it be banished from the soul. It is your duty to eradicate from your heart everything that is of a defiling nature; every root of bitterness should be plucked up, lest others be contaminated by its baleful influence. Do not allow one poisonous plant to remain in the soil of your heart. Root it out this very hour, and plant in its stead the plant of love. Let Jesus be enshrined in the soul.

Christ is our example. He went about doing good. He lived to bless others. Love beautified and ennobled all his actions, and we are commanded to follow in his steps. Let us remember that God sent his only begotten Son to this world of sorrow, to "redeem us from all iniquity, and to purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works." Let us seek to comply with the requirement of God, and fulfill his law. "Love is the fulfilling of the law," and He who died that we might live, has given us this commandment, that we should love one another as he has loved us; and the world will know that we are his disciples, if we have this love one for another.

love your stuff?

Watch this: www.storyofstuff.com

an inspired reminder.

Lately, I've been feeling sad that I have only a few more weeks with a couple of friends before they leave for school for about six or more months. I've known these two for about a year and a half, and they mean so much to me! These guys have challenged me, have uplifted me, have inspired me, and have shown me Christ, and it's just...going to be weird and different...not having them around.

We had our last revival of the year this past weekend, and it was our last revival with them for awhile, and I actually shed a few tears! Haha, I'm silly and whatever...but yeah... it's hard to separate from good friends.

Anyways, I praise the Lord for His reminders through His Word and through the pen of inspiration. It's just what I needed! Here's what happened:

I spent a couple of hours with them today in the library, and during the last hour, they were going through the fourth chapter of The Ministry of Healing entitled "The Touch of Faith." When I heard that, I got excited because my favorite passage from Spirit of Prophecy is on the last page of the chapter. If you haven't read that chapter, it's wonderful and powerful chapter! One of my favorites =] Anyways, I told them about my favorite passage and they kept that in mind. As they were reading along, they read a few quotations out loud and I got excited, so I went online and read along with them. Finally, they got to the last page and they liked it too! Yayy, haha. I told them about how God led me to this passage:

After SWYC 2007, I was going through a hard time. I was going to be separated from someone I really cared about and things were changing between us. I remember sitting in my room one day and was staring at my book shelf and I picked up The Ministry of Healing and I flipped to a page, and there it was: page 72. I read through it, and I knew that God gave showed it to me to remind me that He is there for me no matter what and that His love will never change, no matter if others' love for me does.

I told them that and they were like, "Praise God!" After we separated and I was walking to the dorm, I realized that God led me back to that passage for the same reason: because we were going to be separated for awhile. I thank the Lord for that time we spent together today and it's amazing that it was the very same chapter that had that passage. The Lord wanted me to remember that even though we were going to be separated for a few months and it's sad and all, He will never separate from me and us!

"Whatever your anxieties and trials, spread out your case before the Lord. Your spirit will be braced for endurance. The way will be open for you to disentangle yourself from embarrassment and difficulty. The weaker and more helpless you know yourself to be, the stronger will you become in His strength. The heavier your burdens, the more blessed the rest in casting them upon your Burden Bearer.

Circumstances may separate friends; the restless waters of the wide sea may roll between us and them. But no circumstances, no distance, can separate us from the Saviour. Wherever we may be, He is at our right hand, to support, maintain, uphold, and cheer. Greater than the love of a mother for her child is Christ's love for His redeemed. It is our privilege to rest in His love, to say, 'I will trust Him; for He gave His love for me.'

Human love may change, but Christ's love knows no change. When we cry to Him for help, His hand is stretched out to save." MH 72

ambassadors for Christ.

Ambassadors for Christ

Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. 2 Cor. 5:20.

We are ambassadors for Christ, and we are to live, not to save our reputation, but to save perishing souls from perdition. Our daily endeavor should be to show them that they may gain truth and righteousness. Instead of trying to elicit sympathy for ourselves, by giving others the impression that we are not appreciated, we are to forget self entirely; and if we fail to do this, through want of spiritual discernment and vital piety, God will require at our hands the souls of those for whom we should have labored. He has made provision that every worker in His service may have grace and wisdom, that he may become a living epistle, known and read of all men. {YRP 164.1}

By watchfulness and prayer we may accomplish just what the Lord designs that we shall. By faithful, painstaking discharge of our duty, by watching for souls as they that must give account, we may remove every stumbling block out of the way of others. By earnest warnings and entreaties, with our own souls drawn out in tender solicitude for those that are ready to perish, we may win souls to Christ. {YRP 164.2}

I would that all my brethren and sisters would remember that it is a serious thing to grieve the Holy Spirit, and He is grieved when the human agent seeks to work himself, and refuses to enter the service of the Lord because the cross is too heavy or the self-denial too great. The Holy Spirit seeks to abide in each soul. If He is welcomed as an honored guest, those who receive Him will be made complete in Christ. The good work begun will be finished; the holy thoughts, heavenly affections, and Christlike actions will take the place of impure thoughts, perverse sentiments, and rebellious acts. {YRP 164.3}

The Holy Spirit is a divine teacher. If we heed His lessons, we shall become wise unto salvation. But we need to guard well our hearts; for too often we forget the heavenly instruction we have received, and seek to act out the natural inclinations of our unconsecrated minds. Each one must fight his own battle against self. Heed the teachings of the Holy Spirit. If this is done, they will be repeated again and again until the impressions are as it were "laid in the rock forever."--Counsels on Health, pp. 560, 561. {YRP 164.4}

thanksgiving break.

It's finally Thanksgiving Break!

I had class on Monday and Tuesday, and I seriously could NOT concentrate. My mind was already on "break" mode, so I was soooo not productive. I slept most of the day LOL.

Anyways, I went running with Derrick, Jenny, Mymar and Cherish on Tuesday night (I still want to say tonight) and it was a lot of fun. I walked only once on our run...yeah, I'm still out of shape!

That's not what I really wanted to post...I wanted to say that I'm hoping to be on the computer LESS than I am now. I learned that it predisposes you to some eye disease...LOL, yeah I really need to study.

Okay, my mind is pretty scattered right now. Hopefully I can get some sleep and wake up early to do some chores before I leave for home.

study break.

So, I'm reaching the end of my first quarter of Nursing school! Praise God! Without Him, I have no idea what would have happened these past few months.

Nursing school is challenging, but I'm loving the blessings that come with it. I am learning more about selflessness each time I work with a patient. I know that's a reason why God placed me here--because I need to learn to be selfless!!

Anyways, here's a video I came across on a friend's myspace and I've been so blessed by it:

be extraordinary.

When I arrived home today from Loma Linda, I saw the new issue of Pacific Union Recorder sitting on our kitchen table. It caught my eye because it was a special issue about Adventist Health. And now, being a student at an Adventist Health institution (is it part of Adventist Health?), I was interested. I'm glad I picked it up because I found an article that was just inspiring. I haven't been doing my very best in Nursing School lately, and I know I can do so much better, by the grace of God. I guess I just haven't really wanted to but this article gave me a little reminder why I should.

(via Pacific Union Recorder )

"Being Extraordinary for God"
By Ricardo Graham, President of the Pacific Union Conference

God calls us to be the best we can be—faithful, honest, charitable and kind. But what does "the best" mean today?

Often we measure our success by our work. Yet, being the best to God doesn't mean we have to be rich and famous or wildly successful by the standards of this world. Nor does it mean we have to be rocket scientists, doctors or lawyers (or even pastors). But as the faithful, we are expected to recognize and use the talents He gave us to do our very best.

Consider the challenge in Ecclesiastes 9:10: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, where you go."

God calls us ordinary individuals to be extraordinary—exceptional parents, remarkable sons and daughters, devoted husbands and wives, and faithful servants to one another. The Bible gives us many examples of these types of every day people called to do extraordinary things for God.

Consider Noah and his ark. Noah was a mere carpenter—but one with faith—and through Noah's work, God spared the world. Or consider Joseph. The favorite son and envied brother, this ordinary young man with a coat of many colors went on to be chief consultant to a king. And don't forget Mary and Martha. These sisters served Jesus intimately with Martha's wonderful meals and Mary's alabaster box of perfume. Through their faith, and Jesus' miracle, they saw their brother Lazarus raised from the dead.

These famous names mean something to us as Christians. They represent some of our fondest Bible heroes, people who accomplished great things in the name of the Lord. But the names Roger, Judy, David and Larry mean something, too. Like our Bible heroes, these ordinary individuals stand out because of their extraordinary work. Through their jobs at Adventist Health, these people extend the healing mission of Jesus Christ. Every day, they use their unique talents and gifts, to help heal the world—body, mind and spirit.

As vice chair of the Adventist Health Board of Directors, it is my privilege to associate with the individuals who give the organization its heart. There is no task too small to be extraordinary. Whether it's reading about IT innovator Roger Pruyne, traveling clinic manager Judy Alvarez, hospitalist Dr. David Kim or facilities director Larry Coffin and his team of tropical groundskeepers, I know you enjoyed learning about the extraordinary work happening in our health system.

Today I challenge you to be exceptional, and, in the words of an old hymnal favorite, to "brighten the corner where you are." No matter if it's pounding a nail on an ark, wiring a building, interpreting dreams or tending the sick, God has a plan for you. Use your gifts to honor God, and in everything, be extraordinary.

some thoughts.

I move into my new dorm, Lindsay Hall, at Loma Linda tomorrow and I'm just about freaking out.

Before, I was so excited about the thought of finally going to Loma Linda! Whenever I visited, I would be so happy and think, "This is going to be my school!" But now...I am scared out of my mind. I've heard so many stories and I'm so afraid that I'm just going to fail again. I have so many goals, but I'm so scared that I'm not going to reach them and I'm just so so so scared. I'm scared for the classes, a little nervous about clinicals, and I just know that I don't have the right study habits to help me get the grades that I want. For example, I am NOT ready for Med Term! I have NOT studied for that test and I have to read 15 chapters! I am so scared that I've just been procrastinating with everything. I'm not happy right now and I'm just...scared. I'm not excited...and I've been eating a lot because I'm a stress eater (just wanted to add that in because I just realized it).

I have no focus, no goals...I just...am so afraid.

Fun fact, just to lighten things up: I found a strand of red hair on my head. Whee.

good-bye teen years.

In about forty minutes, it'll be August 29--my birthday.

Although I don't officially turn twenty until around 9 P.M., I still want to take this time to say good-bye to my teen years.

Oh, my teen years
they weren't the greatest part of my life
but I did have some good times.

For months, I couldn't wait to turn twenty,
but now that it's finally here..

I DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD!

denial.

Registration for Loma Linda opened today.

I still have a huge load of holds.

Usually, I'd be on top of this and rush to get into my classes. At La Sierra, I would try to schedule my appointment with my adviser within one or two weeks of when advising opened. I would be registered for my next quarter's classes weeks before I even ended the current quarter!

But now...I have so much to do for Loma Linda, but I don't want to.

I think it's because I'm in denial that I'm actually going there.

Or maybe, it's probably this one: I'm scared out of my mind.

I've heard so many stories about Nursing school, and especially since I might be headed on the fast track at Nursing school, I'm so afraid! I'm not so nervous about dealing with patients--I'm more freaked out about the classes and all the studying! Over the past years, I've developed a bad study habit, and even though I do pretty well when I sit down and actually focus on something, I tend to wait until the very last minute to do so. I need to change that, but I don't know how!

I'm so so so scared.

everything's changing.

As I was getting ready to sleep, I remembered something we did for at least two months at La Sierra: morning manna. The Finish the Work members at LSU and some friends would get up around six in the morning and we would meet in the girls' dorm lobby, have a devotional, and eat breakfast in the caf together. Those were some great times and I was just remembering what fun we had together.

It makes me sad to think that my little brothers are leaving soon, and a few months later, a couple of my friends might leave as well. We've grown so close as a FTW family and I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like in the next six months. I know that we can't stay together forever, and that we have work to be done, but I can't help but miss how it was like just a couple of months ago.

boo me.

I am quite possibly the worst person ever.

post 131

A part of me wishes that I continued on towards Med School.

my rebaptism.

My first baptism took place when I was about eight or nine years old. I don't even remember going through the baptismal studies, but I knew I wanted to be baptized because I wanted to take part in Communion. I remember feeling like such a "big kid" after I was baptized because everyone kept coming up to me telling me, "Congratulations" and what not.

I didn't know what I was doing so I wasn't truly baptized. Sure, I got wet, but I was not baptized of the Holy Spirit. I didn't give my life to the Lord that day and I didn't for almost ten years.

I gave my life to the Lord and decided to live for Him on December 2, 2006. That Sabbath morning, the Lord was working on my heart, breaking down the hard wall that surrounded it, and when the words "Decide today to live for Jesus" were heard, they just penetrated the layers that I had created around my heart and struck to the core. I started to change my life after that day. Slowly, I began to learn more about Jesus. I remember waking up early one Sabbath morning because I wanted to watch the live telecast of GYC 2006 on 3ABN. I remember taking notes through the services when David Assherick , David Gates, and Jeffrey Rosario spoke. The Bible began to come alive in my life and I started seeing how I can make practical applications from the messages I had heard. Throughout the following year, I began helping out in Bible studies and doing revivals and just getting a blessing from this new life that I had found in the Lord.

There were several times when my friends had given appeals for baptism during revivals and I felt that I should answer the call to be rebaptized. One day I was talking about being rebaptized and my friend Ashley said she had been thinking about it for awhile too. We made a decision that we wanted to be rebaptized together but we just didn't know where. Finally, a little over a month ago, we decided to get rebaptized with our friend Luke in the Philippines at South Philippine Adventist College on July 4, 2008.

I remember just wanting to be alone that day and just meditate. I didn't want my second baptism to be like my first--where it didn't mean anything to me. I remember Ashley and I standing at the end of the line because we wanted to be baptized last. While we were waiting, we were just praying and I had my Bible with me and I was going over Galatians 2:20. We started crying as we entered the pool together and as we were baptized together.

That day signified something that I had chosen to do a year and a half ago--decide to live for Jesus and surrender my life to Him.

But lately, it seems that I have forgotten what I had decided to do. My heart has been broken many times before and even during the past year and now I'm going through it again. I was so tired of just "sucking it up" and just putting my life in Jesus's hands. I wanted things to go my way and I was so tired of not being the one for someone and just watching that person fall for another person. I even stopped praying and reading my Bible because I already knew what God wanted me to--He wanted me to trust Him with the situation and just leave it to Him. I had already gone through this and I had seen and praised the Lord for how another situation turned out and realized that He truly knows what's best but I just didn't want it to happen for this second situation. I was being so selfish and I knew that the wrong spirit was in me.

As I had my devotion about an hour ago and as I listened to "I Surrender All," I started to remember my rebaptism and how I had wanted to really take Galatians 2:20 to heart. I looked back on what I had been feeling and thinking this past week and realized that if I continued on that path, my rebaptism would have been like my first one. I had lost my trust for someone and realized that I was also fast losing my trust in God. I didn't want to go back to the life that I had lived before and I knew that I had to do something that was so hard: surrender my whole life to Christ again.

Although this is so hard to do and just leaving my life in His hands could possibly mean that I would go through another heart break and pain, I know deep in my heart that this is the best thing I can possibly do.

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

no more complaints.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Philippians 4:11

I just listened to an amazing sermon just now and God was truly speaking through Alistair. This sermon was just like...something I really needed to hear and so that's why if you look at my previous post, all the words have strike through because that post was just a bunch of complaints.

So listen to this sermon because it's a blessing!

The Sin that Cost Canaan - Alistair Huong

i'm sorry.

...that I'm not going to have a "happy" post right now.

I'm tired of pretending to be all happy and cheerful in my posts when I'm not. Yes, I want to be uplifting and encouraging but I'm not going to be fake. And if whoever reads this is going to judge me for not being happy and cheerful, then go right ahead.

I'm so tired right now. I'm so tired of being right. People think that I'm just ...whatever. I'm just tired of being right about things and just having to suck it up in the end.

I'm having major trust issues right now and you know what, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't trust right now. It's just that...I've been through things before and I'm soooooooo tired of being hurt. I know it's probably my fault for putting myself in this situation, but I'm sorry! I've been saying that so many times and I guess that it's just my phrase for now. I should have someone write that across my forehead: I'm sorry. I've been saying that so many times that now it's coming out as "I'm sowwee."

Mike asked me if I rather be in a situation where I'm getting kicked out of the house for being baptized and not having anything and I said I rather be in that situation! I'm so tired of being in situations like this. This is like the second time in less than a year. Even though the other one hurt more and probably took a longer time to get over...I don't know. I'm just so tired.

Ahh I'm probably going to delete this when I'm in a better spirit, but I'm sorry for whoever's reading this because it's not...whatever.